The Elusive Notion of a Fresh Start

There is something about January 1st that allows the mind to entertain the possibility of a “fresh start”. We’re all familiar with the nomenclature of “new year, new you”. We often place our best intention upon a goal we’ve set for ourselves, our families or our careers. We’re also familiar with backsliding, with falling into old habits we once were determined to never repeat, with surrendering our intention to the reality of our situation. In short, change is hard. 

Despite the fact that with each day change is possible change is hard. Despite the fact that change is inevitable, change is hard. This year, my family experienced considerable change. My partner and I became foster parents. Two months later we had our first baby. Our budget, routines, moods, energy levels, schedules and everything in between changed. Some of this change was absolutely intentional and seemingly “easy” to adjust to while other forms of change were inevitable and we had to surrender to and accept them; the change was happening whether we liked it or not. And this is the nature of change.

We know change is going to happen, yet something about it may feel foreign, intimidating, unfair, unexpected or out of sync. For those of us who have children who have lived through an almost two year pandemic, it’s been impossible to escape change in essentially each part of their lives. School transitioned to an online platform, “socializing” became distanced (if it occurred at all), sanitizing became an entirely too involved different process and oftentimes the culture of the family was dictated by infection rate numbers and outbreaks. With these changes in the world came profound changes to mental health.

From a Therapist’s perspective, our team saw a huge influx in the daily experience of anxiety. Children who were once emotionally balanced and developing appropriately began to feel panic while being in public, fear of being responsible for getting others sick and claustrophobia from the constant task of wearing a mask. The average school day became an enormous feat, a trip to the grocery store felt unattainable. These changes were inevitable, but also highly unanticipated. These changes left parents feeling unfamiliar with how to provide comfort and guidance to their children. These changes created feelings of isolation and desperation many hadn’t experienced before. These changes filled our team Therapist’s case loads and waitlist with hurting children and caregivers, which also brought beautiful opportunities for us as helping professionals to aid in the process of healing wounds and creating a new normal. 

As the pandemic and all of it’s cultural complexities continues into the 2022 year the question of “what now?” arises. What can we plan to change when many of our realities are dictated by external circumstances? If you’re caught up in the unhelpful thoughts of: there’s nothing I can do to change the upcoming year, change myself or help elicit changes in my family, you are not alone in this way of thinking. As I said earlier, some of us have bruised and battered mental health from what the last 18 months has brought us. But there may be a potential for change that you have a say in.

Something I teach many teenagers I get to work with is the thinking skill of determining what is in our control and the emotional skill of what is within our capacity. I believe these can be taught to children of all ages with different wording based on the child’s developmental level. Whenever we face a problem we must determine if the situation is changeable based on us having control over it. Is this a problem or an issue we can change by action or effort? If yes, we do have some form of control and can choose to act. If not, we don’t have control and we must begin the practice of radically accepting this reality (which is absolutely difficult to do and a separate blog post in itself). If a person does have some control over the situation, then we must determine if we have the capacity to act. Do we have the resources, energy, desire and support necessary to create change in the given situation? Would pursuing this change be emotionally or mentally helpful or hurtful? If the answer is that more hurt or damage would be caused then it is not within our emotional capacity. 

Sometimes our exhaustion has grown to where the only thing we can do or need to do is rest. We may have the will to make a change, but we must first find the right person or resource to help us get there. To make meaningful change we must have the ability to create change (control) as well as the emotional ability to do so (capacity). As this new year (and each day) offers renewed opportunity for us to do or be something we consider better or different, it also requires reflection of where we are in this moment with the choice to accept ourselves, our children or our situation just as they are and rest in that truth. 

In short, whatever change you may pursue in this upcoming season please know that, as you are right now, is worthy. You are deserving and you are capable. I encourage the practice of self-compassion in any journey that involves looking inward, exploring and pursuing change as this requires bravery and vulnerability; ultimately the most difficult ingredients in the process of eliciting change. 

Best wishes to whatever this year may bring.

-Téleah Ringhand, LCSW

Practicing What I Teach

Everyday I wake up I get up to go to work I feel a sense of gratitude. Gratitude because my job involves me using my education and skills to help kids and families in my community, and gratitude because I am PASSIONATE about kids, counseling and general wellness. I try to be the person I needed when I was a child and teenager. I try to be the person I wish other counselors would have been to my caregivers, if we ever went the family counseling route when struggling through our family dysfunction. Each present day is another opportunity to pour education, skill building and empathy into families that need it.

But … all of it is separate; separate both from my life and from my day to day experiences with kids in my family. I keep the “job box” and the “personal life” box very separate. Up until last month, the interventions I recommend and the skills I try to teach parents to build up in their kids were all based on … well, theory, experience and positive intentions. And now I am currently doing my best to embody these teachings with a child in my own home.

On May 21st of this year I became the legal guardian to my younger, 10 year old half-brother. Not me on my own, but my husband and older brother and as well. In a moment’s notice we went from pursuing our own individual personal and professional  goals as young adults, to casting those aside to ensure our little brother gets a chance to chase after his own one day. The little one we now care for is worth bragging about. He’s the cutest, sweetest, most adventurous little boy I get to spend time with every day. When things go well in our home (“well” meaning: he gets screen time when he wants and isn’t asked to get off, going to bed later than what’s best for him, having to eat at least 3 asparagus sticks etc.) he can easily make any hardened heart melt with his helpfulness, his kind words and his love of hugs. 

When things get tough (“tough” meaning: he’s asked to finish his reading homework, he has to drink water instead of soda, he’s asked to take space because he needs it) he acts out in ways that are really challenging to respond to. He can be angry and scream, name call and say really hurtful things. He can threaten to runaway, hurt himself or cause his own death. He can look directly into my eyes and without blinking tell lies about things that are seemingly easy, consequence-free truths. He can take things without asking and hide them when asked if he knows of their whereabouts. He can ball his fists and raise them as if he’s going to hit me. There is so much underneath all of the changing and turbulent behaviors we see day to day. 

He’s been traumatized, abandoned off and on due to parental incarceration, attended a different elementary school almost every year he’s been enrolled, been without an IEP (individualized education plan) despite having learning difficulties, lived in a few different cities, tried to make friends for the first time over and over again. He hasn’t had it easy, which makes sense that he is NOT an easy child to parent. It’s something I have to remind myself over and over again - his behaviors are a message that he feels something difficult inside. He doesn’t know how to express it in a healthy way. It’s my job to teach him. But it’s hard. 

There are times I fall back into the way I was parented: “Just go to your room!” or “do it because I told you to” have flown from my lips in an elevated tone more than once. Trying to put communication and discipline strategies in place that are easier to envision than actually practice takes a higher level of determination that I theorized. Taking space for myself when I feel upset before raising my voice is harder than I thought. It’s given me a renewed sense of appreciation for each and every parent I have asked to do this. I can now say “try this, but be gentle with yourself if it’s not perfect.” Because it won’t be perfect.

Parenting a child that requires unconventional parenting methods in order to be successful is not for the faint of spirit. We must be tireless in our efforts to connect, to teach, to encourage and to build up. To do this, we must be connected, well taught, encouraged and built up ourselves and so must our parenting partners be. We can not give our kids the things we do not have.

So a word of encouragement: If you’re parenting a child that challenges you, take heart. You’re not alone. Other parents understand. You are worthy, you are sufficient, you are good enough. Repeat as often as needed and start each day with a new sense of hope that things will change with consistency and time. 

Sincerely,

One Overwhelmed but Blessed Caregiver to Another